Drake and Chris Brown’s bottle-slinging brawl has been the talk of the hip-hop world for the past few weeks, and the two of them have just been offered the chance to duke it out for charity.
According to the Huffington Post, an unnamed billionaire soda heir has offered Drake and Breezy one million dollars to step into the ring, and settle their feud during a boxing match consisting three one minute rounds.
Before anyone gets too excited about this, let’s face the facts — this will obviously never happen.
But, let’s allow ourselves to get swept away for a moment, and imagine a world where celebrities fight each other in Battle Royale-style cage matches, governed only by street justice. It’s a not-so-farfetched post-apocalyptic future where soda billionaires control the world, because their high-fructose syrups are the only food sources that survived a nuclear alien attack.
So yeah, if that happens (I know that’s a big “if”), which rappers would you like to see trade blows in the ring? Here are a few beef-burying matches that could be interesting.
Drake & Chris Brown
Beef Origin: Drake and Chris Brown’s entourages engaged in a full-on, bottle-throwing brawl in a New York City nightclub, after Drake allegedly sent Brown a note that said “I’m fucking the love of your life.” Drake escaped the club unharmed, and Chris Brown had a small cut on his chin.
Predicted Outcome: With no bottles and no bodyguards in the ring, and after 5 full rounds of no contact whatsoever, Chris Brown and Drake would simply spoon each other in the fetal position, weeping and apologizing to each other.
Lil Wayne & Pusha T
Beef Origin: The beef between Pusha T and Lil Wayne dates back to 2006, when Lil Wayne was photographed wearing Bapes for the cover of Vibe Magazine. Until that point, the Bapes clothing line was worn primarily by The Clipse (Pusha T’s rap duo) and Pharrell Williams. The Clipse fired back subliminal shots lyrically on “Mr. Me Too, accusing Wayne of biting their style. Over the next couple of years, the beef developed through magazine and television interviews, as Lil Wayne and The Clipse fired shots back and forth. Things seemed to be resolved until Pusha T dropped “Exodus 23:1” this year, which is thought to be a diss aimed at both Drake and Lil Wayne. Weezy fired back with “Goulish,” a pretty weak response in comparison to “Exodus 23:1.” Lil Wayne has since said that there is no beef with Pusha T, but that sounds like something someone who had the last word would say. It’s only a matter of time before this 6 year old feud rears its ugly head again.
Predicted Outcome: The two rappers would enter the ring dressed in Bapes from head to toe, and then thread-by-thread, they’d rip the clothes off of each other until one was left standing stark naked in the ring.
Let’s be honest — Pusha T would absolutely destroy Wayne in a fight, whether it was a rap battle, a boxing match, or otherwise. Just listen to “Exodus 23:1″ and then listen to “Goulish” afterwards. There is no comparison.
Lil Kim & Nicki Minaj
Beef Origin: Like any female rapper who came up after 1995, Nicki has been compared to Lil Kim for her entire career. Early on, Nicki paid her respect to Lil Kim in interviews, and they even collaborated on a track together. Things turned sour when Lil Kim and Ray J fired shots at Nicki while on stage at a show at the Filmore in 2010. Nicki’s response came in the form of “Roman’s Revenge,” a ferocious diss that finally acknowledged the presence of the beef: “Word, that bitch mad ’cause I took the spot? / Well, bitch, if you ain’t shittin’, then get off the pot.” Lil Kim came back with “Black Friday,” a diss where she calls Nicki a “Lil Kim clone clown.” There’s been very little movement on the beef since Nicki delivered a final crushing blow in an interview: “When I see your name on Billboard, that’s when I’ll respond to you.”
Predicted Outcome: Nicki Minaj will pick up (not so) Lil Kim and bowl her right out of the ring.
Azealia Banks & Iggy Azalea
Beef Origin: For a detailed breakdown of the beef, check out the complete history here. In short, Azealia Banks took major offence to a lyric by Iggy that referenced her as a “slave owner.” Ever since, there has been major tension between them.
Predicted Outcome: In a battle of Harlem vs. Australia, Harlem wins every time. Iggy would want to resolve things over a pint of Fosters, and Azealia would piledrive her into submission.
Tupac Hologram vs. Cardboard Biggie
Beef Origin: Every since Cardboard Biggie was grossly upstaged by a much more fancy Hologram Tupac at Coachella this year, the two haven’t been speaking.
Predicted Outcome: I don’t totally understand hologram technology, but I imagine it involves lasers. With one zap, Hologram Tupac would completely disintegrate Cardboard Biggie. It’s so senseless; these Hologram/Cardboard hip-hop wars have got to stop.